August 2022 was the beginning of a massive shift for me. It began the evening of July 31st. I felt a sunken feeling in the pit of my stomach that I absolutely could not shake. I did not know the source of it, and I knew something was happening. I braced for impact as my birthday plans slowly unraveled; communication was coming through very clearly that I needed to be still. I needed to sit in meditation, and so I did. The days following were revealing-- lots of goodness, flowers, and love, yet an overwhelming shift still loomed about me.
My dreams were vivid, my mind was preoccupied, and the sunken feeling in the pit of my stomach endured. August 11th culminated the emotions, conversations, and whispers from on high; this would become the date of separation from my “dream job” and not only separation but completion, end, and death of this cycle of work, career, purpose, and the way I traded time for income and sacred work for titles and brand names. I did what I knew to do to care for myself-- I took a salt bath and made a flower essence tincture with star of Bethlehem, gorse, and sweet chestnut to assist the grief as it passed through. With death comes grief. It’s inevitable, a healthy part of the process, and there is nothing to do about it except take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Practice gratitude. Listen to Spirit.
I was listening and told that I needed to go away, be near the ocean, and surround myself with new energy. Then Tamara called, she had just come from Tulum, and she shared her experience with such exuberance. Tamara and I interned at Def Jam together back, back in the day, and it was so beautiful that our paths were winding back together. Tamara told me about Bufo. She said she experienced God. True love for the first time. She could not put her experience into words, but she didn’t have to because I felt it. I felt her spirit, and I felt the love she spoke of. I said, “Oh, I think I need this experience.” She told me that if I wanted to go, she would return to Tulum with me. Our initial conversation was maybe late August or early September. As fate would have it, she and I were off to Tulum in October. I planned to stay for two weeks, and that became 33 days.
So now, onto the main event, the reason I am writing amid this 8/8 Lions Gate Portal. I participated in a Bufo ceremony on 11/11/22. Bufo Alvarius, sometimes called the ‘God Molecule,’ is a potent medicine native to Western Mexico used in healing and spiritual traditions. Bufo contains 5-MeO-DMT naturally occurring entheogen, which naturally occurs in our brains but is typically only released during birth and death. Some women experience this rush of DMT during childbirth as they traverse between realms bringing forth new life.
Bufo was life-changing, to say the absolute least. I died to say the most and lived to tell the story to say the obvious. :)
These were the immediate thoughts that flooded me after Bufo:
11.11.22
Rebirth. Here and there. I am a whole being. Not split. Whole. I am 100% here in my body, on Earth! I am 100% Spirit, in Heaven! I am 100% me. I am 100% my mother! I am 100% my father! I am 100% my lineage. I am perfect, whole, and complete. Today marks the completion of a cycle when I thought otherwise. Today is my birth! I am 100% HERE. I am love. I am the gift, the balm, the elixir, the one. I am the beginning and the end. The great omnipotent one. The master. The creator. Yes, because I was made 100% in the image and likeness of my Creator.
I experienced my birth, in the womb and through the birth canal, from the dark into the light. I heard clearly the original reason I said I would come to Earth. A sentient being, often disconnected from my body, I totally and fully made peace with my being here.
I am here to create and hold space for birth and rebirth. I create and hold space for birth and death. And you know what? Death is ok. I wanted to find a softer word, but it’s ok to die. It’s ok to let things die. It’s ok to support people as they die. It’s ok to celebrate completion with the same joy and reverence that we celebrate inception.
One thing I’ve learned from my experiences with bufo, birth, and death is that the only real difference is the phases of breath. During birth, we listen for and experience the first breath-- the inhalation or inspiration; during death, we listen for and experience the last breath-- the exhalation or expiration.
And in the liminal space as we live.
During this most potent Lion’s Gate Portal (8/8), where our dreams and manifestations await us.
During this Last Quarter Moon (8/8), where we release, let go, and clean house, I offer you this reflection and encourage you to listen for your breath.
11/12/2022
The death and the rebirth. I’ve never experienced anything more potent than Bufo. The surrender. The fear. The control releasing in real-time. The surrender. The tears. The snot. The spit. The birth canal again. That in-between space. The light on both sides. The freedom. The will. The creation. The light. The life. The LOVE. really, truly, the Love. The redemption. The Forgiveness. The trust. The understanding. The release. The present. The presence. The surrender. The air. The water. The elements. It’s all ok. Everything is perfect by design."
Right now, in this moment. Pause. Place your hands over your heart. Breathe. And ask yourself:
What is my inner voice telling me?
Am I trusting my intuition?
What am I leaving behind?
What am I calling forward?
Am I being true to myself?
Am I breathing?
Quotes that inspired my writing:
“I treat my first like my last” - #BookofHov
“One thing my south node in Scorpio in my 8th house has taught me is how to regenerate. I’ve died a million deaths, and I always come back better, a bit more wise, secure, and open. As divine order has its way, I ride the waves, listening and regenerating. Stay tuned.” - Shyah
“I’ve learned that MAKING A “LIVING” is not the same as “MAKING A LIFE”- Dr. Maya Angelou.
“We’re all just walking each other home.” - Ram Dass